How to bring dead money back to life

The door to the laboratory slowly creaks open. Your heart pounds like a hammer.

The man you came to interview is here.

“Good evening… the name is Dr. Victor Financialstein, Underwriter. Tonight I shall show you how to bring the dead back to life!”

You gasp, “People?”

“No,” he whispers.

“Money!”

Money buried in the graveyard

You follow Dr. Financialstein past vials of unidentified oozing things, hissing mechanical structures shooting off sparks, and finally to a desk filled with…financial spreadsheets.

“Oh! Woe to the masses!” he cries. “Leaving their money in savings account tombs. Barely gathering moss. Or investing it in real estate crypts that will not see the sun for 30 years! Money that could be out, alive! Living! Breathing! Earning so much more money!

“But yet… (sob)… they let it rot. They leave it for dead!”

Dawn of the dead… dollars

You feel a jagged, crooked finger suddenly up against your chest.

“You!” he cries. “Don’t do that! Don’t listen to the so called ‘experts’ on TV!

“Your money should be alive, alive you hear?! It needs to circulate. To be out in the world. Invest your money. Then get it back with interest and invest it again. Lend it out with more interest. Get it back. Then lend it out even more!”

He looks up at the bats in the rafters and then focuses his steely gaze on you. “The greater the velocity your money has the better. Do not let your money be dead. It needs to be alive!”

The money laboratory

You squirm in your seat as he reaches deep into his desk.

What’s that he pulls out? A skull? Your stomach turns. It looks pretty fresh…

“No, not that,” he grumbles and reaches around some more.

“Aha!” he cries, and puts it on the table. A calculator.

“Suppose,” he says, “you have investment money of $100,000. You have choices. You could put it into the Bank of Transylvania with a savings account or CD… at an interest rate of about 1% — basically worms would grow.

“You could take a mortgage on a graveyard of your own, and gain in equity slowly over the eons. You might see returns sometime in the afterlife.

“Or you could find ways to make your money live, breathe, fly! Buy a mausoleum for $72K and resell immediately for a small profit. Go buy 2 funeral homes and sell them quickly for profit as well! Lend money at strong interest rates to members of the Vampire Union as a private lender, then use the income for additional loans to other ghoulish investors.

“Alive! I tell you, the money must be alive!”

Doom to the naysayers

His eyes were suddenly ablaze.

“They tried to shun me!” he yelled. “It’s not safe! It’s too risky! People won’t have the stomachs for it!”

He pointed to several glass jars along the walls.

“I have their stomachs. And more! I have succeeded in building my great laboratory, and am the richest man in all Transylvania with this method. While they, ha, ha, sit in their little broken down cottages watching reruns of ‘The Munsters’ and handing out candy when the bell rings.

“It is not difficult. It is not risky.”

And he looked at me in the eyes… “It’s not just for the bankers. And it’s not just for a world renowned private lender like me.”

Now go! Bring your money back from the dead!

With that, the Doctor stood and pointed with his trembling hand to the door.

“Go!” he said.

“If you want riches, fame, and a ghoulishly beautiful lifestyle like mine, never be satisfied with dead money. Don’t let it rot in savings account graveyards that barely grow moss. Don’t let it be entombed in long term investments that may return only when there’s a full moon thirty years from now…

“No! Invest! Reinvest! Reincarnate your funds. Invest your returns. Earn interest and lend some more! Let your profits return to you and use them quickly to gain more profits! Let your money multiply and fly like bats up on high!”

As he locked the door behind me I heard a last, fading cackle.

“Make your dead money LIVE!”

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